I started becoming sexually active with various men when I was 25 years old, I had a bad break up with my ex-boyfriend at the time, it was around the same time when my former boss invited me for a sleep over. later did I find out that it was actually an orgy. That was the first time I had an unprotected sex with a complete stranger. In fact, that was the first time that I had anal sex. I couldn't forget how much I loved the feeling and I wanted to do it again, and again.
After that, I have had sex once, twice or even thrice a week with random men that I met in public toilets, on the streets, and even in the old cinemas of Metro Manila.
Like many people, I am aware that having unprotected sex will eventually end up getting the virus, but I didn't care, living alone made it harder to resist the temptation because I had too much freedom with much less guidance.
Until last 2011, an old friend of mine called me and convinced me to open up an account on a certain online dating site, I was having second thoughts of doing so because I am not that computer savvy. Convinced that I would have so much fun with it, so I did.
Having sex with the people that I met online was even better, it gave me so much comfort of hooking up with men because I had the access to this database where you can see the people who are near my location. I didn't even have to go out because I can convince them to come over. There was this one time when I even organized an orgy in my house and we all had unprotected sex.
During all of those, I just closed my eyes and did not think of the real threat of getting HIV, I know that 99% of the reason why people is being infected by HIV in Manila is by MSM or male having sex with male. I had the bias of optimism and thought that getting infected is just likely to happen to other people, but not likely to happen to me. Now I know that that was plain stupid.
Until one day, I met the person who would change my life. His name is Darth and we became a couple last 2012. as our relationship becomes more serious, I also started to get serious with my life, and my career. And I thought that, yeah there may be a happy ending for me after all.
Our relationship is monogamous and yes, we practice safe sex... But not consistently. And he too have been sexually active before we met. Until last March 10th of 2013, we had ourselves tested in a mass testing in Malate Manila organized by Love Yourself. We for only 1 hour to get the results. and when our counselor got the sealed envelopes, he asked us to step inside a room and then he gave us the results.
I was thinking that, if ever the result turns out negative, I would consider this the biggest blessing that I have ever had in my entire life, and would dedicate myself to helping other people by volunteering and charity works. And if ever it turns out positive, I will just suck it up and deal with it day by day.
I slowly opened the envelope and saw the word reactive, I didn't understand what it meant so I just stared at the paper for a full minute figuring out what it meant. My counselor took the paper from me and I asked him what it meant. He said with a very sad face; "I am very sorry but yes, you are both positive."
I was numb, and deaf all of a sudden. I didn't understand what was happening around me. I was looking at my counselor and he was talking to me and all I'm seeing was him opening and closing his mouth in slow motion. I was trembling uncontrollably and then I cried like I have never cried before.
Days have past and I was still crying. My confidence took a dive and I have become an anti-social. Sometimes I would try to watch comedy films to force myself to laugh. But the thought that I am HIV positive keeps on popping in my mind and everytime it does, It felt like being punched in the face. I have suddenly become aware of all of the sensations in my body, everytime I feel something wierd, I panicked.
After one week of being diagnosed positive, I have finally gathered the strength to go to a treatment hub. I went to the Research Insitute of Tropical Medicine in Alabang, Muntinlupa City. There I have met around 30 other people who are HIV positive. I can see that most of them were also recently diagnosed and they all have the look on their faces like they don't know what they were doing there, like they don't know how to behave in this new environment. Me however, have felt an instant connection and closeness with them, because of the fact that we are all related, by blood.
After all of the tests, the doctor told me that my cd4 count was 650. I am healthy enough not to take the ARV's or anti retroviral drugs. I was advised to live a healthy lifestyle.
Today, I am sleeping eight hours a day, I take multivitamins, I exercise, drink plenty of water, I eat yogurt, fruits, vegetables and meat. I avoid stress, and I have also quit smoking and drinking. My confidence and my old self is slowly returning. But most importantly, I have commited myself into helping out other people by sharing my story and spreading the information about HIV. I write in my blog and I reach out to other people and convince them to take the HIV test, practice safe sex, and offer emotional support.
I cannot do this because I am only one person, we need to help each other to stop the spread of the killer. But more importantly, we need to help ourselves. We all need to practice safe sex, know our HIV status, and be informed about HIV as much as we can.
Its true, knowledge is power.
